I feel it. I've been trying all week to keep in check, but I feel the panic. I feel emotional, and desperate to distract myself; which is the exact opposite of what I should do. I should take the time to reflect, and feel whatever it is I'm feeling and then let it through. 

I haven't been sleeping well this week, which is a sign that I have stuff that I'm not dealing with. 

I was doing really well for a few weeks, and I anticipated a crash. Well here it is. I'm in a better place now, because I can see the storm and I can attempt to ride it out instead of letting it crush me. That's progress. I'm grateful for how far I've come, but these storms make me aware of where there is still work to be done. That's a good thing, but I genuinely do not feel like doing any work right now!

Such an oxymoron, but I'm grateful I am as aware as I am, and at the same time wish that I wasn't aware at all. Some people just coast through life not aware of their shortcomings and they don't see to care. They do what they want how they want, and life seems fine for them. I have always wanted to be better, and do better, and this is part of that process; I get it. I'm just tired. It's been a long 2 years of self-reflecting, of introspection, of making really difficult decisions and dealing with the aftermath, of trying very very hard to be authentic. I'm drained. 

I can be hard on myself. I'm trying not to be, and to give myself permission to take things in stride. This week has been a challenge. I feel myself reverting back to old patterns, and I'm trying to catch myself from slipping too much. And not beat myself up for slipping in the first place. There's a quote that says, "Growth is a dance", and I feel that! I like dancing though, and this dance I'm in right now has be exhausted. Emotions are raw, I feel all the things I wish I was above, but I'm not. I'm human, I have feelings and I don't have it all together or figured out all of the time. I want to. I want to be untouchable, but then I don't get to experience all the love that is out there. I guess this process is more about being anchored during these storms, because storms happen. It's a part of life. I thought I was more anchored than I am, which is humbling and shows me where I need to focus. It's hard though. I feel vulnerable, and I'm being hard on myself for having feelings. 

I haven’t been able to find an Upside the last few weeks. Hence, no new articles.

There have been some dark moments. I’ve questioned my ability to make it through all these feelings that I’m coming face to face with. I’ve had thoughts that everything is just too much. I’ve stayed in bed for days. There was always this rational voice trying to come through though, breaking up the grief, reminding me that life will go on. It made things very confusing for me, because I couldn’t understand the feelings I was feeling, triggered by my divorce. 

It was a Sunday, a very very tough Sunday, and I finally pulled myself out of bed after 5 days (briefly) to sit on my patio. I’m on the top floor of an apartment building, and there are mature maple trees that line the property line, so close to my patio that it makes it feel like a little tree house. It was hot and humid, but there was a breeze rustling all the leaves. I could get lost in watching all the individual leaves dancing on the trees. I was zoned out, watching the leaves, but still feeling very dark and later realized in despair, wondering how the hell I was going to pull myself through this. Then there was the rational voice that broke through, asking the question “why so much grief over one person. It’s just one person. There will be more people. Life will go on. Why so much grief over this person?”, and I couldn’t answer that question, sitting there in the trees. I went back to bed, with my black out curtains drawn.

I think a lot while I’m in bed. Most of my feelings are worked through in there, too. Hours later, I kind of had this thought that the grief maybe didn’t have anything to do with my husband/divorce, but maybe it was a lot deeper. I realized the grief was for myself as a little girl. As an adult, I could leave when too much was too much in my life, but as a girl I had to endure, and nobody “saved me”. This overwhelming realization that I’ve been acting out of that feeling, of not being chosen (or saved). Every relationship, every decision, all rooted in wanting to be chosen. Even leaving my husband, I realized I wanted him to take it as a cue to be better and choose me. He didn’t. I’ve been desperately trying to heal that wound, all this time, and that wound was bleeding something fierce on that Sunday.

I met with my therapist the next day. In that hour, I realized I chose myself when I left. I chose my daughter. I can keep choosing myself and build from here a life that is me taking care of myself. The challenge in that is that I don’t know what that looks like yet, so each day is a forced thought process of “what does it look like to take care of myself?”. Sounds ridiculous as I’m writing it, should be elementary stuff, but I have always taken care of everyone around me (co-dependency). My needs were never the priority. 

I have no distractions in my life at this moment. My daughter just turned 18 and is building a life for herself, I’m coaching but rightfully so I’ve taken a step back so she can build confidence, and accountability, for herself. I’m no longer a wife throwin all my energy into making sure my husband is ok (another article for another time), my step-sons are with their Mom, and I am not busy, i.e. feeling stuff I don’t want to feel. I know I have to though, to move forward, which I am commited to doing. I have lived somewhat unconsciously up until now. I am consciously deciding I want to evolve and live the next part of my life differently. I’m in the transition part, and it’s messy and heavy and hard, but the alternative is to decide that all I’ve ever known is all I’ll ever know, if I don’t see this through. I want to know more, be more, see more, feel more; I just need to get through this first, address it, validate it, grieve I guess, and step forward in whatever direction emerges. It’s just not clear yet, and that’s uncomfortable for me. Patience is not my strong suit - I panic - I get desperate - and just want things to be settled, now. That needs to change too. Lots of changes. Lots of feelings around that. Lots to get through, but I am not willing to go backwards. That quote about “you didn’t come this far, to only come this far” resonates with me now. 

I have experienced things, and felt them so profoundly, that they have completely changed the way I show up in the world. And how I deal with life's struggles. I am not a damsel in distress. I am a powerful, loving, nurturing, strong woman. I have weathered storms, and come out stronger and more compassionate. I am a beautiful soul.

I give permission to myself to be imperfect. To not have it all figured out. To not really know what comes next. And not know how to be in each moment, but to show up for them anyways. To try. I might not be for some people. And they may not be for me. And that's ok. Keep trying. Keep showing up. Do not dim your light or self love based on where other people are on their journey. We all have a journey to complete, and we're not all at the same place! You won't know unless you try.

Be yourself. Be genuine. Be love, be acceptance. Check your expectations. Show up and try over and over again. Do not let other people take away from what you have to offer, to the right person. Do not stay jaded. Do not stay angry. Do not be spiteful. Take your time, and reflect often to see what you really want and where you really are, and go from there.

Do not stay busy. Take the time to own your feelings. Check them. Honour them. Anchor yourself, to yourself. You need you first, everything else is a bonus.

Do you like yourself? Are you proud of who you've become? Do you know your worth? Show up as her! The woman who knows her worth. The woman who is at ease in her body. The woman who cares and accepts herself and those around her. Be the woman you admire!

And forgive yourself when you show up short.

Ever feel alone? Like, REALLY alone? Not single. Not lonely. ALONE, in the sense that you are on your own - completely. Nobody to decide for you, nobody to share responsibility for decisions with, nobody to give you a hand if you happen to make a wrong decision. That 100% of the outcome relies on you, alone. 

Maybe it’s fear I’m feeling? I’m not sure. I’m alone in figuring it out, so the process is slower.

At the exact same time as feeling “alone”, I feel energized by the chance to make decisions alone, but I my feeling of alone is greater for now. I don’t want to be told what to do or think or decide. I want to hurry up the process of being comfortable making decisions and thinking alone. I’m in the uncomfortable transition part of having been in a couple, sharing everything, to now being on my own and having no one to share with. It’s uncomfortable. And confusing. And messy. And I don’t like it.

I’ve somehow gone from the “stubborn girl” who couldn’t accept anybody’s help, to the “compliant woman” who just accomodated everyone. And now I am a woman on her own trying to figure out what I think, what I want, what I need - where do I go from here? At this point it would be really nice if somebody did the thinking for me and just told me what to do, but I would hate it at the same time because apparently I know what I want, and this I know only because when I hear something I don’t like, I can be like, “nope, I don’t want that”. What a weird place to be at in life, “Tell me what to do!” and “No, I can think for myself” all intertwined in one.

My closest people in life are being very generous in just giving me time and space and not telling me how to handle my life. I’m smarter now, so I can see it as a gift. The not so smart part of me, the part that is scared to take accountability for my decisions, was annoyed with them. I felt judged. None of us know what we’re doing though! We are just trying to be good to one another, and that’s a really beautiful thing to realize.

Alone is just a feeling. Sometimes it’s absolutely correct, and sometimes it’s a guise for fear, or insecurity, or not wanting to take responsibility for my own life decisions (at least if somebody else tells me to do it, and it fails, I can blame them!). Ultimately, my life is my life. And I want my life to be better, I want to be better, so I have to do better. In this moment it’s hard to do better, and not fall back into old ways of doing. That’s part of it I guess though, not falling back. Choosing to be better, especially when it’s hard, is when it counts most I think.