My brain is so full I don't even know what to say.

I have a hard time naming my emotions. They build, and then I end up anxious. I guess I view feelings as a negative. Normal feelings, that everybody goes through. I somehow don't give myself the same permission to feel as I give to the people in my life. 

I'm angry. I'm at a loss right now. I don't have a plan, other than to heal my heart, and I feel like that's not good enough. I feel like Steve is in competition with me, and I don't want to compete, but I feel the pull. I feel the pull to throw myself into a relationship, because he's in one. Even now, no longer together, I see him and the anxiety I experienced the whole time we were married comes rushing back in. I hate myself for reacting. For getting sucked into it. I thought I was stronger, more stable, further along in my healing journey, and I'm not. He brought his girlfriend to the kids move-in, and in the moment I killed them both with kindness, wanting to tell myself "life goes on, it's not a big deal" and I want to believe that with all my heart. I want to be there, where he doesn't cause me to react. I'm not though. 

That's what's tough this week. I don't have as much control over my emotions as I thought I did; it's humbling, but disappointing. I'm disappointed in myself. I let him get to me. That was absolutely his intention, which is cruel, but it worked. And I don't like myself for it. I should be kinder to myself. I'm trying really hard to give myself permission to not be perfect, to have feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment. I see him differently now. I don't miss him, or wish it was different. So I don't understand my reaction; I keep telling myself it was his intention behind bringing her, that it was a choice he made intentionally to bring her knowing that it would affect me. That hurts. I don't want him to be able to hurt me anymore though, and that's what's disappointing for me. I want to be past it. It's a process though, and this week whatever feelings came up were strong and I'm tired. Maybe it just takes time. I don't know anymore. I feel frustrated with where I am, emotionally, this week. I want to be more grounded than I actually am. I'm impatient to get on with life, to not be affected by his actions, to be good with myself and not feel that panic that I'm feeling.