I haven’t been able to find an Upside the last few weeks. Hence, no new articles.

There have been some dark moments. I’ve questioned my ability to make it through all these feelings that I’m coming face to face with. I’ve had thoughts that everything is just too much. I’ve stayed in bed for days. There was always this rational voice trying to come through though, breaking up the grief, reminding me that life will go on. It made things very confusing for me, because I couldn’t understand the feelings I was feeling, triggered by my divorce. 

It was a Sunday, a very very tough Sunday, and I finally pulled myself out of bed after 5 days (briefly) to sit on my patio. I’m on the top floor of an apartment building, and there are mature maple trees that line the property line, so close to my patio that it makes it feel like a little tree house. It was hot and humid, but there was a breeze rustling all the leaves. I could get lost in watching all the individual leaves dancing on the trees. I was zoned out, watching the leaves, but still feeling very dark and later realized in despair, wondering how the hell I was going to pull myself through this. Then there was the rational voice that broke through, asking the question “why so much grief over one person. It’s just one person. There will be more people. Life will go on. Why so much grief over this person?”, and I couldn’t answer that question, sitting there in the trees. I went back to bed, with my black out curtains drawn.

I think a lot while I’m in bed. Most of my feelings are worked through in there, too. Hours later, I kind of had this thought that the grief maybe didn’t have anything to do with my husband/divorce, but maybe it was a lot deeper. I realized the grief was for myself as a little girl. As an adult, I could leave when too much was too much in my life, but as a girl I had to endure, and nobody “saved me”. This overwhelming realization that I’ve been acting out of that feeling, of not being chosen (or saved). Every relationship, every decision, all rooted in wanting to be chosen. Even leaving my husband, I realized I wanted him to take it as a cue to be better and choose me. He didn’t. I’ve been desperately trying to heal that wound, all this time, and that wound was bleeding something fierce on that Sunday.

I met with my therapist the next day. In that hour, I realized I chose myself when I left. I chose my daughter. I can keep choosing myself and build from here a life that is me taking care of myself. The challenge in that is that I don’t know what that looks like yet, so each day is a forced thought process of “what does it look like to take care of myself?”. Sounds ridiculous as I’m writing it, should be elementary stuff, but I have always taken care of everyone around me (co-dependency). My needs were never the priority. 

I have no distractions in my life at this moment. My daughter just turned 18 and is building a life for herself, I’m coaching but rightfully so I’ve taken a step back so she can build confidence, and accountability, for herself. I’m no longer a wife throwin all my energy into making sure my husband is ok (another article for another time), my step-sons are with their Mom, and I am not busy, i.e. feeling stuff I don’t want to feel. I know I have to though, to move forward, which I am commited to doing. I have lived somewhat unconsciously up until now. I am consciously deciding I want to evolve and live the next part of my life differently. I’m in the transition part, and it’s messy and heavy and hard, but the alternative is to decide that all I’ve ever known is all I’ll ever know, if I don’t see this through. I want to know more, be more, see more, feel more; I just need to get through this first, address it, validate it, grieve I guess, and step forward in whatever direction emerges. It’s just not clear yet, and that’s uncomfortable for me. Patience is not my strong suit - I panic - I get desperate - and just want things to be settled, now. That needs to change too. Lots of changes. Lots of feelings around that. Lots to get through, but I am not willing to go backwards. That quote about “you didn’t come this far, to only come this far” resonates with me now.