I feel it. I've been trying all week to keep in check, but I feel the panic. I feel emotional, and desperate to distract myself; which is the exact opposite of what I should do. I should take the time to reflect, and feel whatever it is I'm feeling and then let it through. 

I haven't been sleeping well this week, which is a sign that I have stuff that I'm not dealing with. 

I was doing really well for a few weeks, and I anticipated a crash. Well here it is. I'm in a better place now, because I can see the storm and I can attempt to ride it out instead of letting it crush me. That's progress. I'm grateful for how far I've come, but these storms make me aware of where there is still work to be done. That's a good thing, but I genuinely do not feel like doing any work right now!

Such an oxymoron, but I'm grateful I am as aware as I am, and at the same time wish that I wasn't aware at all. Some people just coast through life not aware of their shortcomings and they don't see to care. They do what they want how they want, and life seems fine for them. I have always wanted to be better, and do better, and this is part of that process; I get it. I'm just tired. It's been a long 2 years of self-reflecting, of introspection, of making really difficult decisions and dealing with the aftermath, of trying very very hard to be authentic. I'm drained. 

I can be hard on myself. I'm trying not to be, and to give myself permission to take things in stride. This week has been a challenge. I feel myself reverting back to old patterns, and I'm trying to catch myself from slipping too much. And not beat myself up for slipping in the first place. There's a quote that says, "Growth is a dance", and I feel that! I like dancing though, and this dance I'm in right now has be exhausted. Emotions are raw, I feel all the things I wish I was above, but I'm not. I'm human, I have feelings and I don't have it all together or figured out all of the time. I want to. I want to be untouchable, but then I don't get to experience all the love that is out there. I guess this process is more about being anchored during these storms, because storms happen. It's a part of life. I thought I was more anchored than I am, which is humbling and shows me where I need to focus. It's hard though. I feel vulnerable, and I'm being hard on myself for having feelings.