Ever feel alone? Like, REALLY alone? Not single. Not lonely. ALONE, in the sense that you are on your own - completely. Nobody to decide for you, nobody to share responsibility for decisions with, nobody to give you a hand if you happen to make a wrong decision. That 100% of the outcome relies on you, alone. 

Maybe it’s fear I’m feeling? I’m not sure. I’m alone in figuring it out, so the process is slower.

At the exact same time as feeling “alone”, I feel energized by the chance to make decisions alone, but I my feeling of alone is greater for now. I don’t want to be told what to do or think or decide. I want to hurry up the process of being comfortable making decisions and thinking alone. I’m in the uncomfortable transition part of having been in a couple, sharing everything, to now being on my own and having no one to share with. It’s uncomfortable. And confusing. And messy. And I don’t like it.

I’ve somehow gone from the “stubborn girl” who couldn’t accept anybody’s help, to the “compliant woman” who just accomodated everyone. And now I am a woman on her own trying to figure out what I think, what I want, what I need - where do I go from here? At this point it would be really nice if somebody did the thinking for me and just told me what to do, but I would hate it at the same time because apparently I know what I want, and this I know only because when I hear something I don’t like, I can be like, “nope, I don’t want that”. What a weird place to be at in life, “Tell me what to do!” and “No, I can think for myself” all intertwined in one.

My closest people in life are being very generous in just giving me time and space and not telling me how to handle my life. I’m smarter now, so I can see it as a gift. The not so smart part of me, the part that is scared to take accountability for my decisions, was annoyed with them. I felt judged. None of us know what we’re doing though! We are just trying to be good to one another, and that’s a really beautiful thing to realize.

Alone is just a feeling. Sometimes it’s absolutely correct, and sometimes it’s a guise for fear, or insecurity, or not wanting to take responsibility for my own life decisions (at least if somebody else tells me to do it, and it fails, I can blame them!). Ultimately, my life is my life. And I want my life to be better, I want to be better, so I have to do better. In this moment it’s hard to do better, and not fall back into old ways of doing. That’s part of it I guess though, not falling back. Choosing to be better, especially when it’s hard, is when it counts most I think.