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My body can’t handle stress

I’ve been anxious lately. And then decided it was a good idea to add to that and look at buying a house (not a bad thing, but...) Not just any house. A house that needs TONS of work, cause that’s a good idea.

I read somewhere recently that having lived through trauma, your body confuses butterflies (excitement) with red flags (stress/anxiety). I thought I was excited at the thought of this fixer upper.

My body has a physical reaction to emotions, mostly heavy ones. At the end of the day yesterday I could barely take it; my shoulders were aching, my neck was stiff, my hips were throbbing. I could not get comfortable in bed. I got up every 45 minutes because it was too intense.

I’m doing my best.

 

I’m a Mom. I think I give the important stuff; acceptance, love, understanding, a listening ear. With everything going on and giving to everyone all the time, I drained myself.

I’m trying to heal, and that means I’ve got my nose in a couple of books - because that’s how I know how to feel better (eventually), learn; Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and Boundaries. I started Boundaries yesterday and had to put in down before the end of the first chapter, because it’s me. No boundaries. Nowhere.

I'm frustrated and anxious today.

Separating isn't easy.

New realities to face, as you're ready to face them; it's like as soon as you face and overcome one, not long after the next one is there waiting. I couldn't imagine facing all of them at once though.

Today I'm trying to finish separating our joint bank account. I'm feeling limited financially (cue anxiety). I'm thinking about how naive I was. How much I trusted, without any hint of doubt that things wouldn't work out. That I never considered that this, separating bank accounts, would ever happen.

I went for a bike ride the other morning. I have a bike attachment so that I can take my dog, Sophie, with me without having to hold on to her leash. When we first get going on the bike Sophie takes off like a rocket and runs full speed for about 1/2 km and then we settle in to a rhythm.