2020: The Year That Set Me Free

Written by Shawna

This has been a long year. We have all had to adjust our thinking, our way of living, and make adjustments we never thought we’d ever have to consider.

This has been an earth shattering year for me. At times if felt like I had actually shattered into a million pieces. That I was staring down at my soul, shattered all around me. It felt like I was stepping in shards of shattered glass for most of the year, and having to tend to open cuts all day and all night. For most of it, I was not sure that I would actually be able to clean up the broken pieces or heal the cuts.

I sorted through as much as I could until I got overwhelmed and then left it. Just like when a piece of glass shatters, you always find more pieces later on. It gets everywhere. You find it everytime you move something. It was the same with my soul. I just kept finding pieces everytime I moved something within myself. It was frustrating, I would get cut, and feel like I was never going to be able to clean it all up.

The universe eventually sent help. It brought beautiful people into my life that gave me the tools I needed to clean it up. It didn’t do the work for me, but presented me with an opportunity to connect and learn from people who had what I needed to get through the mess. I had done as much on my own as I could, and when I needed help the universe showed up for me. Like it always does. I don’t think things happen by chance, I think we’re all connected and we all have something to bring to the people we meet.

I’ve managed to put the pieces of my soul back together, but differently this time. I realize that the shattering I felt was a chance for me to take an honest look at myself. It was a chance to decide wether or not to do things differently. It gave me a choice in what comes next. I initially didn’t want the choice. I didn’t want to have to take accountability for my own part in the shitty parts of my life. I just wanted things to be, and I wanted to learn how to be happy with it.

The shattering let me see that happiness is when I don’t shy away from tough things, i.e. Myself. It let me see that I needed to let go of a lot of thoughts and ideas that were no longer serving me. It forced me to be in this uncomfortable spot where the old was gone, but the new hasn’t completely taken over yet. In between. The pull to what is familiar is still there, but the desire for better has grown bigger than the fear of the unknown. I am still finding pieces of shattered soul, and still getting frustrated at how long the clean up is, but I’ve learned grace in the process. I’ve learned that each piece is a chance for me to decide what I will hold onto or let go of.

My soul is a mosaic. I can see beauty in it today. The pain I didn’t want to have to face opened doors to love and compassion that I would never have known without it. It led me to forgiveness, of myself and those around me. It is actually the iron that holds the mosaic together. Exactly like a mosaic, some pieces of my soul are light and some are dark, and there different shades in between, but it is whole.